Merry Christmas!!! :)

Pictures from Christmas Eve, plus a bonus picture of the boys with Santa:



We tried to take a picture of ourselves...but had some trouble. :)



This was Nicholas and Michael's response when I asked them to SMILE!



This is Nick and Michael before we made candy cane ice cream. There was too much action going on during the process to catch a picture without risk of disaster.



The boys with Santa! :)

We wish each of you a very merry Christmas, a fantastic new year and send much love! :)

Michael's daycare mischief

Each day Michael gets a report. They send reports home for the younger kids who can't tell you how their day is at their daycare school. Nick and his teacher both tell me how his day was each day. And aside from singing during nap or occasional rough days when he gets sassy with his teacher, Nick does very well in school. Nick loves school. He wrote his first word without tracing last night, 'LION', and we were both very excited! :) Michael has a different experience with school.

Every afternoon I start wondering what Michael may have done that day and just how aggravated his teachers are going to be with him. He is a very sweet little boy, but loves to do things for reactions. So when he took off his shoes and socks at school and had a big reaction to it, he thought that was just hilarious. So now, for the past month, every day except for one, I hear that Michael has taken his shoes off every day, typically multiple times a day. He pulled the toy kitchen down on himself twice because he thinks he is spiderman and will not stop climbing things. He actually does that at home and we have designated climbing areas because for some reason he really seems to have the need to climb up things. Still, every once in awhile I will find him on the top of a shelf, table, and once in the kitchen sink. A couple of times he hit his teacher when she took his bear. Definitely not good. He only hits one boy, who he calls '--- is a bad boy' whenever he refers to him. His teachers seem to agree with that one. He annoys everyone, not just Michael. Last week Michael sprinted out of the classroom when he saw the opportunity, straight up to the directors office. His teacher went after him as soon as she saw him escape, but we both agree, he is FAST, so she wasn't able to catch him until he made it up the steps and into the office.

Then came yesterday's report. 'Michael bit a friend...for no reason at all." His teacher went on to say that there was a girl in his classroom and Michael randomly went over and bit her in the butt. Now, I am not completely convinced about this one. Michael's kisses look scarily like bites, as anyone who knows him well and has been kissed by him knows. He open his mouth wide, presses it against your cheek (not typically THOSE cheeks, but he has done that before too) and then does something that sounds like a growl that I believe is supposed to be loving. His kisses are a bit terrifying. I can see where it could be misperceived, but since I have never seen Michael do anything unprovoked except to Nick, and even then, that is more like an ongoing battle of who can annoy the other one the most, I am guessing he just kissed his little girlfriend in his own very weird way...on the butt.

The thing I like most about the reports are the written or verbal statements...."he thinks he's just hilarious." Because he really does. Michael wakes up every morning happy just to be alive. He is effusively joyful and amused by himself, others, and random little things that I wouldn't have noticed without his peals of laughter in response to whatever small thing he felt was so funny. He is charmed by anyone who tries to be a little bit nice to him and has plenty of hugs and kisses and cuddles for his favorite people. And although he is constant bundle of energy, mischievious and quick tempered at times, he is good hearted, sweet, loving, and a very happy little boy. So rock on, baby Michael. Please, just no more baby butt biting.

Am I Santa Claus?

Nick was sitting at his table coloring last night with Michael. We were discussing whether the letter X Michael had announced that he had written was, in fact, an X. I thought it was, but Nicholas informed me that there was no way that a circle could be misconstrued as a letter X and then looked concerned and offered that maybe I needed glasses. We were listening to Christmas music when 'Up On the Housetop" started playing. Half way through the song, Nick suddenly stopped coloring and looked alarmed and asked "Mommy, am I Santa Claus?" I reassured him he was not. "But", he contemplated, "I'm Nick!" We talked about how many people in the world shared the same name and he felt much better after that. His biggest concern seemed to be how he would fit in a chimney. We then had a whole conversation about how kids do not go in chimneys, ever, even if they do have a really big ladder and discussed if it would be possible to rappel down a chimney which, of course, led back to the neverending discussion about silos and that it would be possible to rappel down a silo, but only if you had a really big ladder or a fire truck to get up there in the first place.

While we were having this 7 minute conversation, I retrieved Michael from hurling raisins in the toilet while shouting "basketball! score!!!!!." Then I scooped him up from down the basement, which is now covered with lovely pink scribbles. He also kindly decorated the kitchen floor and the wall on the way down to the basement where the computer is. I had thought I had removed all of the markers to high above Michael's reach after he decorated our kitchen cabinets over the weekend, but apparently I missed one.

Right now they are both sleeping and I am enjoying the peace. I was running around trying to catch things up around the house when I found Michaels shoe in the refrigerator, smashed into the butter on a butter dish. I have a lot of questions about that one, which will unfortunately never be answered, but I have laughed a lot over the past 12 hours (in between the shaking my head and yelling) and thought I would share some of our life. These things are so much funnier when they are sleeping. :)

Over the weekend we went to The Home Depot and participated in an awesome program where they provide kits for kids to built. I was very glad I went with the single parent group because 2 small children with hammers are intimidating. One of the single dads was very helpful and helped to make sure that I followed the instructions enough so that our wagons actually resembled, well, wagons. The boys were thrilled!

On Saturday night we went out with the same group to Longwood Gardens and saw beautifully lit tress, flowers, and the fountain light show. It was gorgeous. AND it was snowing! It was a fun, beautiful, memorable evening. The boys had a great time and so did I! :) Here is a picture of us at Longwood.

Discouraged...but okay

Happy early December!

The past couple of months have been pretty crazy and even busier than normal. I am finsishing the two classes I was taking and the boys' visits with their dad have decreased (not by my choice) to once a month. I am a bit tired. So, I was really looking forward to having two weekends in a row off. We are allegedly on an every other weekend schedule which means that my entire social life revolves around every other weekend. So most of my friends here are other single parents on the same weekend schedule. Knowing that I had the next weekend off, I made tons of plans. It was my first free weekend after school ended and I was going to have the rare treat of having the following weekend off as well as the baby daddy's attempt to compensate for all of those other cancelled visits.

Then, yesterday afternoon at work, I received the call cancelling the visit. I wish I could say that I handled it cooly and gracefully. But I was so upset, disappointed, and just sad. I fought back explaining that the little social life and friendships I have been able to make rely on my occassionally showing up when I say I will. I am missing my single parents group annual holiday party, a night out with some fantastic co-worker girlfriends who picked a night that I would actually be able to attend, and coffee with a girlfriend. I was supposed to go see Handel's Messiah and have a fun day in downtown Philadelphia. And I wondered aloud just how many time I could cancel on my very patient friends and still have them stick around. I also shared that this was the weekend I had planned to do most of my Christmas shopping, to write out Christmas cards, and that on top of all of that, I had the normal errands and housework to catch up on. Now, I am not sure why I explained all of that, because I already know it doesn't matter. I mean, really, if someone is going to ditch his entire marriage and kids to live happily ever after with another woman, what is a weekend?

At this point, I really can't say I care that baby daddy ran off with someone else. That kind of thing happens and although I definitely do not agree with the decision, I certainly do not want to live with someone who has decided that he is unhappy with me. I enjoy making people feel happy, not miserable. And anyway, I am quite content with just myself and the boys, so that part is fine. I also believe that the past is the past and that sometimes you just have to let go and move on. But the part that still is stunning to me is the cancelled visits, the whining about child support payments, and the total lack of consideration for the kids. THEY did not choose any of this. They were a decision, a choice. They did not happen by accident. Even if they had, I can't imagine a better one, but that was not the case. We are incredibly blessed to have these boys and by the choice to bring them into this world comes the responsibility to care for and support them.

Now, I have to say I am biased. I am totally in love with my boys. I think they are the bees knees and it would be hard for me to understand how anyone would not think they were not about the best ever! They drive me totally crazy sometimes, but when it comes down to it, they are good, sweet, innocent, kids who are just stuck in the middle of a very difficult situation. They are not really impacted by cancelled visits at this point. It has happened so frequently that I rarely tell them the visits are going to occur until a couple of days before and since their concept of time is not fantastic, it is easy to downplay those times. And when they are cancelled and they are aware of it, I act like it's no big deal and then say, "oh good...now we have extra time to go to the playground, etc." which is true anyway. I never say anything negatively about their dad in front of them, in fact, I point out his very many positive traits. Because I know it will make them feel good about themselves because their dad is part of the good parts of them. Plus, it will make them feel that they have to choose between us and all sorts of other craziness that I would prefer not to instill upon them.

Even though they do not seem particularly upset about the visits, they are still adjusting to their dad melting slowly out of their lives. And it's hard, because kids are out with their dads everywhere, and every time I watch the boys watching them, with that sad, wistful look in their eyes, my heart breaks for them. Every kid deserves to have both parents in their lives and to be an active part in raising them. And I am very sad and disappointed that they have anything less than they deserve and that they are still not old enough to realize, in entirity, that it is not their fault and it has nothing to do with the wonderful little people that they are.

At first I didn't talk about this subject on my blog much because I was so hurt and angry that I could not speak in a reasonable and fair manner about baby daddy. And I think I also kept thinking it would change. Like, maybe if I didn't say anything, things would get better. It's kind of like the kids and their magical thinking that they can control others' behaviors and life events by being "really good." But I have been realizing that, just like the kids, no matter how "good" I was that this would have happened. The choices that were made have to do with character, choices, and preferences. I am not saying I am a perfectly easy person, because I have many, many flaws. It's just that I realize that we all do and that some husbands and wives will remain steadily loyal to their vows. Staying married is a choice and even in the very best marriages, things are very hard sometimes. My imperfections did not cause this to happen, it was someone's choice. And it doesn't matter how nice and I try to be now, because I am realizing that we all choose our priorities and make choices around them. You can not force someone to change their priorities or insist that they do what you feel may be the right thing. I will still only say positive things to the kids about their dad. But I have decided that to just be open about reality because I realize that nothing I say is going to change it and it just requires a lot less energy to be open and honest.

Some dads fight to be in their kids lives and their ex-wives give them a hard time about it. I won't even pretend to understand this because I really feel both parents are important and irreplacable to a child. But to those dads out there, you have my appreciation and respect. And I have to say that I am very grateful not to be entrenched in a custody battle and that I am fortunate enough to have the kids with me all of the time. It is hard enough missing them at work and I am glad not to miss much more time than that away from them.

Even though it is very hard right now, I know that things will get easier. The kids will eventually be out of daycare and I will be able to afford a babysitter once in awhile. One day they will be able to feed themselves without it looking like an explosion occurred in the kitchen and one day both of them will be out of diapers. When all of this happened, almost a year and a half ago now, I thought it was an impossible situation. I could not see how I could possibly manage it or survive it. But the kids and I did survive, and we have adapted, and we are all stronger, maybe better, for it. Comparatively, this is nothing. And we will continue to adjust and improve. We will be okay no matter what because we have found family memebers and friends who have loved and supported us through all of this. And the boys and I are stronger too. We make a good little team. It was disillusioning to experience such a betrayal, but in the aftermath we have found a support system of family and friends who are unwaveringly loyal and loving. So to each of you, thank you. Because THAT is what life is about and that is the reality we will choose to focus on...it is a much nicer reality anyway. :)

Not a good start to the week...

It is 1:30 AM. I just finished my homework assignments due tonight, with 14 minutes to spare. Michael arrived home with a high fever that went up to 104.7. He is going to Jeanne's tomorrow (thanks Jeanne! :) ) and then probably back to the doctor unless he makes a miraculous recovery by tomorrow. I am exhausted and have 4 hours to sleep if I am lucky enough not to have it interrupted. I thought I would share part of my homework assignment with you. We were asked to give examples of defense mechanisms:

Right now, I am denying that it is truly 12 AM and that I have to get up for work in 4 and a half hours. I am also repressing the thought that my sick 2 year old will most likely be waking up every 30 minutes for the remainder of the evening and result in even less sleep. And I am most definitely repressing any thoughts of what my work day will be like tomorrow. And tomorrow, I will use reaction formation when I go into work, smiling and cheerful when really I will feel like putting my head down on my desk and whining because I know I will be awake for at least the next 14 hours and will probably have to take a trip to the pediatrician after work...well, maybe not whining, but at least taking a nice, long nap.

Let's hope that the professor has a good sense of humor. :)

So very, very tired

I am not sure how it is only Tuesday. Nicholas and Michael returned home from their visit from their Dad's this weekend. They were very glad to see him and it sounds like they had a great visit...aside from Nick's injury.

When Nick arrived home on Sunday night, he could still barely move his arm and it hurt him to touch it. I read the medical reports that stated it was either a sprain or Nursemaid's Elbow. I had no idea what that was, but I found out it was a partially dislocated elbow and Nick had every single symptom of it. I am not sure what the confusion about it was. I have no medical expertise and it seemed pretty obvious to me and it made me pretty angry that the hospital had missed it. And then I felt panicked when I read that if it wasn't corrected soon after it could cause permanent damage to a kid's range of motion in his arm. There were instructions on how to fix it, but they were confusing. Luckily, I cam across Megan's blog here: http://www.holdituptothelight.com/ (which is totally adorable) which included pictures with instructions on how to fix it. So I just followed her instructions and his elbow popped right into place and now he is good as new. I am very relieved as I was not wanting to go to the ER for the third time in a week. Nick was totally thrilled that his arm worked again. We ate chocolate to celebrate. :)

I toasted waffles this morning and apparently they were evil conspirational waffles. Because when they popped out, they knocked out the electricity from the toaster, microwave, and the refrigerator. All I could think of was all of those home cooked frozen lunches I had prepared for the boys melting and becoming unusable. So I went down to the circuit breaker and told it it needed to work with me because I was not in the mood to cook 18 additional baby meals. I flipped every switch back and forth, said a little prayer, and our appliances are up and running again. It's a good thing. I may have murdered the waffles.

Nick and Michael had a great day at school today. Michael has started napping and receives huge smiley faces from his teachers as they are grateful that peace is returning to their classroom instead of Michael causing a baby revolt every day at nap time. Nick does great at school, but he has desginated nap for a time to kick things, sing, and roll like a log across the room, which is not amusing his teacher at school at all. We are working on it. He is at least doing fine with all the "awake time" activities.

I started 2 online graduate classes yesterday to begin earning the 12 stupid counseling credits I need to take to earn my counseling license. I already passed the test and completed the hours (both years ago) but my Master's program was 48 credits and licensure requires 60. I have to say it is a little intimidating. It has been 10 years since I was last in school. I am taking Personality Theory and Grief and Bereavement Counseling and am grateful that neither include any math. :)

It is 7:53 PM and I am leaving my house a wreck and am getting up early to deal with it. Right now, I am going to go to sleep. And I am going to dream about running, and my friends in VA, and being at a playground with the boys, and chocolate, and ice cream, and of some day when I will be able to sleep on a regular basis again.

ER trip - take 2

Well, at least my boys are efficient and are getting their lifetime's worth of ER visits over with within a weeks' period. Last night, Nicholas was at his Dad's house pretending to be a cat. Somehow, he twisted his wrist and when he woke up this morning it was tender and hurt him to move it. So the boys' Dad took Nick and Michael to he ER so Nick could get x-rays. The doctor thinks he may have sprained it. At least it's not broken. I am hoping on a very boring week that does not involve any sicknesses or injuries. 'Hope you all have a great week too!

How to get hot chicks....

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-haskins/target-women-how-to-get-h_b_308173.html

The start of school, the ER, and a cardboard box

Here are some pictures of what will likely be our last pool day of September, taken sometime earlier this month. I think we will all miss those days, but with the end of summer much other excitement has arrived in our lives.

Nicholas and Michael started daycare/school at the end of August. They are settling in and both are doing well. Nick is very enthusiastic about his new school and is learning his letters and numbers quickly. It's difficult to figure out what he actually knows since he hates being asked and will pretend he doesn't know things just so his teachers, or I, or anyone else will stop asking him. He is learning to write and loves it. He comes home every day and tells me he has to do his homework and practices. It's amazing to watch him learn! His teacher says he is very bright. But then I was curious then why I had to keep calling the poison control center. I would think that determining what substances would constitute food would be a basic measure of some sort of intelligence. I hope he is bright, but really I just want him to be happy, healthy, and kind to others. Anything else is a bonus. I am just very glad that he is settling down and seems to really enjoy school. He has an awesome teacher and loves all of the structure, which is good. He will have many more years of it. :)

The only complaint I've received is Nick's singing. And luckily it is unrelated to my lack of talent at it. He was refusing to sing at first and his teacher kept urging him to join the class in song. And he finally found his voice. It's just that when he finds it at naptime after the entire class is asleep and bursts into a spontaneous song, it tends to wake up his sleepy classmates and that is not appreciated. Luckily, it has only happened a few times so far. It must have been pretty impressive though since teachers from the other floor commented on it.

Michael....well, he had a bit of a rough start. Michael decided he didn't much care for his teacher and wanted to go back to Ms. Jeanne's house. Michael has opinions on things, but is basically a pretty cooperative and sweet kid. But with school, he decided to make a strong stand. So after the first 2 weeks of him physically assaulting his teacher, thwapping other kids with his bear blanket, and hurling his lunch across the room, I suggested a classroom change. His teacher may have been perfectly wonderful, but it is out of character for Michael not to like someone, let alone beat on him or her. Things have improved since that. Michael is no longer hitting his teachers, and his new teachers are much more positive about his school performance. I get comments like. "Michael speaks very well! But we did have some problems where he wouldn't stop lying on the table today (or hitting a friend, or jumping off of a chair, or hanging from a coat rack....) He is still very sweet, but I have to say he is no longer the docile, easy going baby he was. He is still very happy though!

He was so happy that even when he had a fever at school, no one noticed, which is NOT the school's fault as he does not act sick when he is sick. Unfortunately, when they did notice, his fever was 104.5. And despite giving him tylenol and popsicles, when we arrived at the pediatrician's office it was 105.9. Despite another dose of medications, we could only get it down to 104.2 and the doctor was concerned he might have pneumonia. So my parents were kind enough to assist us. My mom watched Nick and my Dad and I took a very sick baby boo to the ER CHOP. They did not do the x-rays the doctor recommended and said it was a cold. That is SOME cold. We saw 3 different doctor's that night who had 3 different opinions, but what really matters is that once the antibiotics kicked in (which I was able to run out and get thanks to Emily), his fever went away and now he seems healthy and well again.

One of the scariest parts was also one of the funniest. After we arrived home from daycare and we were waiting to go to the pediatrician, Michael started hallucinating and was giggling and grabbing at invisible fireflies. Then he saw my mom (Nonna) on the TV and was totally shocked and happy about it. He was the happiest sick kid I have ever seen. He talked and giggled the entire time until we realized how high his fever was and had to put cold washclothes all over him. Poor kid. And Nick was so good that evening which must have been really hard as it was quite chaotic and scary. I was very grateful to live so near my family that evening and that they were so helpful...thank you!!! :)

The pictures below are from a week ago when I gave my kids a box. First they colored it with markers, and then it has been a car, rocket, plane, train, and my personal favorite, a luggage carrier. Nick filled the entire thing with toys and then "delivered" them by putting them back on the shelves (definitely not my genetics! :) ).

As for me, everything has been going well. I am enjoying work again since the demotion I applied for was granted. I am starting school tomorrow to get the 12 credits of counseling related courses I need to apply for my counseling license (since I finished all of the other requirements and that is the only thing holding me back.) And I discovered I qualify for the post 911 GI Bill so I am going to go back to school this summer after I finish the 12 counseling credits this spring, to start on my MA in Administration of Human Services. I feel like I am finally getting the hang of managing everything on my own (with the very appreciated support of family and friends) and we are really settling down here.

Thanks for reading and happy Fall! :)

A very eventful August

Well, this has certainly been an eventful month. Luckily, none of the events have involved calling Poison Control. The weird things the boys have eaten this month have all been things that Nick has ingested in the past that resulted in previous calls to poison control. So I know that either it is not toxic or they didn't eat enough of it to harm them. I feel like a pro! For this moment. ;)

Nick and Michael had their last day at Ms. Jeanne's house a couple of weeks ago. I am so greatful to Jeanne and her family for taking such wonderful care of the boys. I don't know what we ever would have done without her. She has been so sweet, supportive, and an absolute angel! Nick is ready for preschool though and I found a great school near where I work where the boys can both go. They started this week.

Nick LOVES school! He is reportedly well behaved, sweet, excited to learn, and is following directions well. I had to verify we were actually talking about my kid because I was almost positive she had him confused with someone else. But I actually was able to observe him without him seeing me and he really was doing great! It takes a lot of energy for him to behave that well for that long and when we walk out the door of the daycare, it's like he is suddenly posessed by some sort of demon. Bags go flying, the screaming begins, his legs apparently stop working...I am guessing it is just the transitional period, or so I told my self as I got hit in the head by a lunch box today. Then I wondered if I threw it back at his head if that would be a good parenting technique and what the chances would be of someone calling Child Protective Service to report me. I decided it would be best not to test these thoughts. In the morning he is so excited to go to school. And I love that I get to listen to him chatter excitedly all the way there. He asks hilarious questions and since he is strapped down in his car seat and has nothing better to do, he actually answers my questions and shares his thoughts and feelings about things with me. It has been wonderful!

My favorite conversation was when he was asking about why his daddy and I weren't married anymore. I gave a brief explanation and he asked if we could get married again. I told him once you were divorced, you couldn't get married to the same person again. It was the rules. Since he is big into rules, that made perfect sense to him. Then Nick asked if I could marry someone else. I told him I could but I was perfectly happy with just the three of us. Nick told me he wanted me to marry someone else. So I asked who he thought I should marry. His answer....

"Aunt Sari"

That led to an entirely separate discussion and explanation of "the rules." That was a bit much at 6:30 AM, but still quite entertaining. Now when I hear that thoughtful sounding, "Mommy?" I know I am heading for trouble. In the past month we have discussed where babies come from (where he insisted on the real answer...ugh!), why some children don't have toys to play with or food to eat, what makes thunder, and Nick asking what "them chicken jackin' my style"meant. The last one resuted in me quickly changing the radio station and me telling him, "my bad, dawg." :)

Michael...not such a fan of school. He screamed the first day. The second day, he screamed for 3 minutes but was fine the rest of the day except for "when someone made him do something he didn't want to do." Today he didn't cry. He went on a revolt. He whapped other kids with his bear blanket, threw things, and was generally disruptive. It's hard to tell how much is just his age and how much is him acting out...probably a combination of both. Unfortunately, it seems that both of my boys inherited my lovely stubborness so they can be 'challenging' at times. Michael continues to be sweet but definitely is not docile as he was as a baby and has strong opinions on...everything. Luckily he is still distracted by shiny objects and weird voices so his attention can easily be diverted until he forgets whatever random thing was worth fussing about the moment before.

We went to Aunt Pat's beach house for a vacation this month! It was so fabulous! It was great getting to spend time with Aunt Pat, Nonna, Pop, Sari, Emily, and Jack! We all really enjoyed that time and it was fantastic getting to see the kids at the beach. The extra hands and help made the vacation a true vacation. Dealing with wet, sandy kids with support made it just completely fun!

This is my last week dealing with customer complaints. I go back to working as a consultant on the phones again next week, which I am greatly anticipating. It has been a tiring and stressful 5 months and I am ready for peace at work. I am so excited to go back to my old team too...I missed them!

And...shocking news...I am dating someone and have gone out with him more than once! I actually had dated him 6 months ago, but had some issues with trust, for some reason, and had trouble tolerating the very idea of being in a relationship. So I made the reasonable choice and freaked out and ended things. We remained friends and I had time to get to know him better and decided I actually did like him and it may be worth taking a small risk to see what may happen. He is a single dad with a 4 year old daughter who I met through the single parents group we attend. Don't worry...no plans to go to Vegas or anything. ;) In all seriousness, dating as a single mom is no joke. The stakes are so much higher and I can not afford to make a mistake. A mistake that messes up my life is one thing. I can not stand the idea of the boys being hurt again. I have no idea what will happen and am in no hurry to find out, but for right now, I am very much enjoying getting to spend some time with a seemingly very nice guy who has an incredible amount of patience.

I think that is about it for August. Except....happy birthday a day early, Aunt Sari!!!! :)

Early morning questions

It is now 6:20 AM. So far, these are the questions Nick has asked this morning, while Michael and most of the rest of the USA are sleeping:

• Why when it rains do people sometimes say it's a shower?
• What does the black circle in your eye do?
• Where is my little fireman with the gray shirt?
• Where is my fire thing with the red dots? (So then I had to ask about 10 questions to find out what in the world he was trying to locate. He was looking for a small play computer/radar small radar dish that came with an airplane, but today, he told me, it was used to detect fires.)
• Can radar detect tornados? (Our favorite household topic lately. :) )
• Does radar have to be in the clouds to find the tornadoes?
• How far can radar see? (My answer..."far.")
• And finally, "Mommy, why don't you have a penis?"

So this fine, very humid, potentially fantastic day begins... :)

A week without the boys

Nicholas and Michael left on Sunday night to spend a week with their Dad. They traveled down to North Carolina, picking up their brother Troy on their way, to see their Me-Mom and Pe-Pop, Aunt Colleen, Uncle Kenny, cousin Nate, Aunt Sarah, and Uncle Jordan. So this is my third day of getting up to go to work and only having to get myself ready. The house is so quiet and with the boys gone, so is my life.

I have been living in PA for almost a year now and have been a single mom for 1 year and 3 and a half weeks. Everything was so chaotic when we moved here and it really didn't start settling down until after the holidays. But even when things are going smoothly, pretty much all of my time is dedicated to the boys or my job. I've made one good friend in the past year and many distant friends. It is hard to make and maintain friendships as a single mom, at least when the kids are so young. And that has become very noticable now that the boys are away and I actually DO have time. I am lucky to be so close to my family and am spending lots of time with my sisters and parents when we can actually have conversations, which is wonderful. I am going out with my best friend here tonight and with a group of great girlfriends from work tomorrow night. Then...I don't know.

I had planned to spend this week getting ready for my second year as a single mom. I took the next couple of days off from work so that I can actually clean and organize my house and plan out the next year. I want to change some things. I want to spend more time with the boys and less time cooking, cleaning, and running errands, which requires even more organization in an already structured life. I also realize I also need to dedicate more time to my personal life. My personal life right now consists of going out with my family, a friend, and rarely, friends from work. Oh yeah, and dating.

I don't go on a lot of dates anymore because I realize I would rather spend my time in other ways, and from what I have seen so far, I realize that finding a partner will probably take many years. Dating is more a form of entertainment that will leave me with good stories that I can call my friend Julie about and we can both laugh. :) Although to be fair, I have met some very nice men, just not the right one. What dating does provide though, is hope. And I need that sparkle of hope in my life. The possibility of an alternate future with a different kind of happy ending helps keep me optimistic. And I have found that I can be indefinitely patient about when it occurs, but I need that hope in my life.

I hope you are all doing well and if you happen to be one of the people with my boys right now, please give them a big hug and kiss from me. I miss them so!

Have a great day!

Happy 4th of July! :)

Happy 4th of July weekend!

We had a busy weekend. On Friday evening we went to Nonna and Pop's house to celebrate Pop's birthday with Sari, Zack, Emily, Zach, and had a wonderful dinner and stayed until dark to watch the fireworks at Upper Darby High School from Nonna and Pop's front yard. Nick was a little bit nervous at the noise but once we explained it was just explosive rockets, he was fine with it. :) Michael was so wiped out, at almost 3 hours past his bedtime, that he almost fell asleep. They both really enjoyed themselves though.

On 4th of July, we went to Emily and Jack's new place and Jack cooked us breakfast. It was such a treat and the boys enjoyed exploring their new home while the rest of us tried to keep damage to a minimum. Then we walked to the parade, which the boys loved! The were throwing candy and the boys were allowed to eat anything they wanted...to celebrate their own day of independence. They definitely enjoyed that. And mommy enjoyed the very long nap after they crashed down off of their sugar high. We went to Aunt Marie and Uncle Frank's house for a fabulous 4th of July dinner celebration. The boys and I really enjoyed seeing our aunts, uncles, and cousins that we don't usually have the opportunity to see and we stayed until the boys started treating everyone to meltdowns. They were just very, very, very tired.

Today we woke up early (of course!) and the boys were very excited to be able to play with my angel cousin Zachary's kitchen toys. The boys spent hours cooking and playing store. Then we went to a playground in Ardmore that has tons of room to run and equipment to hang from, as pictured at the top of this entry. We came home, ate lunch, and then it was nap time and I ran around like a crazy woman trying to get things ready for the week. When they woke up, we went to another playground, took baths, and then had dinner and a last playtime. It was a low key, fun, relaxing day.

Work has been a bit crazy the past few months. I had taken a promotion based on what the job had been the years for which I'd worked for the company. Unfortunately, they made some changes which made it less of a good idea for me to remain in the position, including letting my fabulous partner go. So I stepped down from the job and requested to be placed back on my old team and old position a week ago. As fabulous as an opportunity as it was, the revised position was not compatible with single mama lifestyle and, in addition, we disagreed on appropriate compensation. I will be transitioning back into my former position in about a month, after they hire and we train someone to replace me. I will be looking forward to working 40 hours a week with a lot less work related stress in my life.

Here are some helpful facts that I learned this week:

• Poison control calls back sometimes to make sure your kids are all in one piece, as I was shocked to find out when my phone started ringing at work and they asked if they had taken Nick to the ER. I could hear people going silent around me when I tried to explain that most of the nail polish had come out of his eye and eyelashes. Someone came over to my desk after that call and asked if everything was okay. I just said "Great! Why?" :)
• If a kid swallows a marble, they do, indeed, survive.
• If a kid swallows dirt, a bit of blue plastic, play doh, paint, various foods that had fallen on the ground in various places, and licks a tricycle tire all within a week, he will be okay. Michael is starting to remind me of someone else I know...
• My kids can imitate each others' voices exactly and think it's hilarious when I run to the wrong one.
• My kids have learned if they both get into something together, it makes a much bigger mess and at least one of them will be able to sprint away.
• If things get quiet, it's too late. The mess already happened.
• Attempting to give up coffee is an incredibly bad idea. I think I will wait for about 5 more years.
• Attempting to give up chocolate is.....HAHAHAHAHAHA...yeah, right.

Have a great week! :)

The kids at the 4th of July parade:

The kids watching fireworks on Nonna and Pop's front lawn...thanks for having us, Nonna and Pop!

Good evening, poison control! Call # 16

The kids were finally settled down for the night and I drug myself down the basement to check my 53652 e-mails that I will probably be able to respond to a year from now. 10 minutes later, the shrieking begins. Since Michael has recently learned how to vault out of his crib and rappel down the side, I assumed he may have had a crash landing. But no, that's not what happened at all.

Michael was somehow sleeping soundly and Nick was sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by make up and...nail polish. The nail polish had been living on a top shelf of the medicine cabinet. But my boys have mad climbing skills so nothing is safe. Nick decided that since his nails were already painted, that maybe nail polish would be good at making other body parts beautiful, like his lips, cheeks...and his left eye. So after flushing his eye with water for what seemed like an eternity, probably to both of us, he could at least open his eye again and it wasn't hurting so much. I used nail polish remover on the parts not touching his eye and rinsed him off with water, had a discussion about how toxic substances are BAD, yet again, and then I put him to bed. Then I called poison control. They should have frequent flyer miles for people like me. And we should earn spa days for having exceptionally challenging, precocious children. They probably do, but instead of the spa days, I will probably earn a visit from Child Protective Services for my abnormally high average of calls to their service.

So, this is what I learned. Eye polish is very bad for eyes, if it gets in the eye. They wanted to know if it had touched his eye. From the screaming I am guessing yes, but after holding upside-down like a bat over the tub and dousing his eye with water for many minutes, I don't know for sure. He didn't open his eye until 5 minutes of water dumping and I am actually surprised that so much water left his eyeball in there. Nick looks like he has pink eyeliner on, both above and below his eye. I wasn't about to add nail polish remover in his eye to lead to call #17 to poison control, so I left it there. He is looking fancy...or kind of diseased, depending on your perspective. By the time we finished cleaning him up, he said his eye didn't hurt anymore and he could see. So when they told me it was a judgement call to take him to the ER for an eye exam to make sure he was okay, I decided he was. My kids are loud when they are not okay. He was quiet and exhausted. Although, that could have been from inhaling the nail polish remover fumes for so long, so I am not sure.

Oh yeah, and I think Michael ate a marble tonight too. He could breathe so I figured he was okay. I was just glad it wasn't anything pointy or a neighborhood pet or something like that.

Happy Monday, everyone! :)

Almost 1 year anniversary of being a single mama

In less than 2 weeks, it will be a year from the the time I officially became a single mama. I think back to that horrible day and the weeks that followed and can't believe how long ago it seems. The thing is I remember most about that time is how many people helped me, especially my family and friends. I never cried so much in my life. I even totally fell apart for a short period of time. But I was lucky enough to have so many people help me up and keep me going when the situation became too overwhelming, which it did somtimes, especially in the beginning. After I accepted it that there was nothing I could do about it, I really struggled.

Aside from my marriage ending, the impact I thought the changes would have on the kids' lives devestated me. I couldn't bear to think of them being in daycare, or being apart from them for so many hours each day, and I didn't know how we would even survive financially. I felt so scared and alone. I knew I had so many people around me who loved and supported me, but the journey was my own. I had two very small children depending on me and realized that aside from some financial support, the responsibility for their lives and raising them was about to become mine alone. I was terrified.

The months that followed were a blur...a tearful, chaotic blur. It took awhile to get the hang of things and for all of us to adjust to our new lives. And our lives are so radically different from the way they were before, they are unrecognizable. I think some things I just don't like but have accept, like not being able to stay home to raise my kids or missing so many precious moments of their little lives. But I know how lucky I am in so many, many other ways..

I have met many single parents since I moved here, largely because of a meetup.com group I joined for single parents so we wouldn't feel like such freaks. :) And some I have met just by chance, but seeing others struggle with the same, and sometimes different issues have highlighted how fortunate we are. And these are the things I am grateful for:

• Not only do I have a job, but I have a job that I love and I'm passionate about doing which is slowly turning into a career. They are supportive of a family life and I moved into a new position where I can have flexible schedule, as needed. I would rather be home with my kids, but since it's not a choice, I feel lucky to have a fun and interesting job that keeps me so busy that the hours fly by until I can get to my baby boys again.
  
• I am grateful that our initial experience with daycare was so disasterous. Because (put this on my list of why I will not win mom of the year) in a moment of absolute desperation I put an advertisement on Craig's list and found Jeanne and her family who have given my boys a home away from home and a loving and secure place to spend their days. They still get to be with a stay at home mama who is kind enough to open her home to those of us mamas who don't have the choice to stay home with our little ones. AND she was a single mama at one time too...how cool is that?!?!?!!!


• We haven't had to visit the ER yet. I know it's coming, but that it hasn't happened despite the hundreds of close calls we've had in the past year. (Just this week, Michael jumped off of a kitchen table and, shortly later, into the bath tub full of water headfirst and it's only Tuesday.) AND I haven't had to call poison control since Nick drank the bottle of Tylenol that one morning at 4 AM.


• We always have food to eat, a roof over our heads, and a house that is a comfortable temperature.


• I am grateful for my family and friends who have stuck by me this past year despite my inability to reciprocate their many acts of kindness and support on any kind of reasonable level. Some of you are there on a regular basis. And some of you will send e-mails or letters that always seem to come when I need them most. I feel so very lucky and loved to have each of you in our lives. And one of these day, I will be able to be the kind of friend, daughter, sister or sister-friend I aspire to be.


• I am grateful to have a peaceful, non-dramatic relationship with the boys' dad. Don't get me wrong, I definitely had a lot of anger and hurt feelings in the beginning. But things are working out just fine. He pays child support and visits them. He is a good role model and loves them. We have a polite, working relationship and I am glad for the peace.


• We are all healthy, happy and, most of the time, all in one piece.
  

Why I Will Not Win Mom of the Year

Over the weekend, the boys, their Nonna and Pop, and I went the the Elmwood Park Zoo. We had a wonderful time! And we spent Sunday morning at an amazing castle playground in North Wales, with a Single Parents Group we are a part of. It was so much fun! But what brought me here this evening was a magazine that my mama picked up from the zoo. It was one of those free ones they give out and the topic was moms. I was actually really impressed! The articles were great, they even had information aimed towards single mamas, which I appreciated! The section I liked best was 'Why I Will Not Win Mom of the Year." Moms wrote in stories that I found hilarious, but maybe others would find horrifying, and I could relate. So, here is my own:

Why I Will Not Win Mom of the Year :

Many months ago when I was trying to figure out how to get out out of the house on time (which I still don't manage to do on a regular basis, by the way), I found that if I dressed my kids in their clothes for the next day instead of PJs, it cut out many minutes every morning. I am not sure my kids know what pajamas are anymore.





As you can see, once I just skipped the clothes all together! Just kidding...at least for this week! :)

• I let my kids eat food off of the floor after it falls. I rationalize it by saying I am building their immune systems and have faith when I tell them to kiss it up to God, that God will bless the food and remove anything that could harm them from it.
  
  
• I told Nick if he ever touched the window in his room ever, ever again, the police would come and give him a ticket and probably take him to jail...although it HAS been effective.
  

I guess most people bathe their kids every night. I find that to be very impressive due to the amount of time it takes and the mess bathing 2 wiggly, soggy, splashy children make. I bathe my kids if they start smelling weird or if there is something I can't identify stuck on their hair or body. Other than that, I figure if they smell clean, it's good enough for me.

Example of when I might bathe one of my kids.

• I am months behind on Michael's immunizations. I attempted to take him many months ago but ironically missed the appointment because the kids were sick and I was so distracted that I forgot. A sweet little girl that the kids play with was exposed to whooping cough at school which is one of those things that immunizations provide protection from. We have an appointment on Friday and I am just praying we don't contract any weird diseases or illnesses between now or then.
  

Nick thinks when he is acting up, I am going to eat him. Really. I used to tell him I was going to beat him if he didn't behave. Because I never have, he doesn't know what the word means and just assumed I was saying I was going to eat him. Instead of explaining that I would never, under circumstance, eat him. I still tell him I'll beat him, he still thinks I am saying I am going to eat him, and his eyes get wide and he settles down pretty much every time.

• Sometimes I feed my kids ice cream for dinner.




• I still lock Nick's door to his room every night so he can't escape. That just sounds like bad parenting, but really, I am more scared of what will happen if I don't and he conducts another experiment at 2 AM.



• When Nick whines, I pretend that he is speaking a foreign language that I can't understand so I don't have to respond. I wish his whining was a foreign language that I couldn't understand...or hear at all. Or maybe that it could translate into some sort of silent language, like Braille. On the positive side, he then eventually stops.



• Michael calls every animal a dog. Cows, elephants, birds...all of them are dogs. I used to try to tell him the correct names for things, but having a world filled with dogs makes him happy, so now I point to birds and say, 'dog...woof, woof' and he is ecstatic. I know it's wrong, but if something that little gives him so much happiness, I certainly don't want to be the one to break the news to him.

And here I took a picture instead of intervening when Nick tried to feed Michael to a hippo at the aquarium. :) Actually he was trying to show Michael the hippo, but Michael was too impressed and distracted by the winged "dogs" flying through the air.

And I am realizing I could probably go on indefinitely here, but I am hearing some very loud thumping from upstairs and should probably go and investigate. Especially because now it is being followed by giggling. That can't be good!

Have a happy evening!

Happy Spring

I am not sure how it got to be April from January so quickly. But somehow it has.

Nick is potty trained now, except for overnights, which has been wonderful. The great thing about him taking so long is that once he decided he was ready, he had all of one accident and he was pretty much instantly trained. :) Nick loves pretending to be different things...lately it's been firemen. He and Michael fight when we're at home, but when we are outside the house, Nick is super protective and sweet to Michael, and they are learning that they can team up and get into even more mischief that way and I can only really catch one of them at a time. Nick is super active and likes to be busy. It will be good when we can play outside every day after work. When we get home, I give him jobs or have an art or science project ready for him so he doesn't come up with one of his own creative experiments. :) He knows his letters, but will pretend not to so people stop asking him. I actually didn't even know he knew them until last week when we were at the grocery store and he was reading letters off of packages. He likes learning, but doesn't like to be quizzed, and likes to figure out things on his own. He'll start preschool a few days a week next year with the babysitter's 4 year old son and they are both very excited.

Michael is still his sweet self, but has lots of opinions on things now and is starting to throw baby tantrums. He calms down really quickly though, and he actually responds when you tell him no, which I find amazing. Michael knows lots of words now, but his favorite is 'dog'. He has a couple of dog stuffed animals and LOVES real dogs and is really gentle with them. The babysitter just got a tiny little dog and the dog and Michael are best friends. :) The boys really want a dog, but we are waiting until we get a house, hopefully in a year and a half. Michael's other favorite thing is balls. He loves playing catch and has amazingly good aim when he throws things at Nick. :) I took him to the playground a week ago, and he actually fell asleep on a swing cuddling a ball. He is really friendly and social with everyone...babies, kids, adults. He just seems to like people a lot. Now that Mike has walking and running figured out, he is bored with it and prefers to climb up things. So I will walk into a room and find him on top of tables or whatever else he managed to climb up. We're working on that. :)

As for me, I just started in a new position at work, which is fun, challenging and interesting. I get to investigate and follow up on customer complaints and figure out a way to make things better. I feel really lucky to have been given a new opportunity so quickly but am still figuring out how to balance work, the kids, and life. I'm still running, but barely. I am determined to make it more of a priority to fit it in though as when I run I am a much happpier mama. :)

We celebrated Easter morning at home together and then went visiting and had Easter dinner with Mom, Dad, Sari, Emma, and Mom Mom Windle. It was really nice and the kids had a great time finding eggs there. And we all enjoyed the delicious dinner.

Things are still getting better, but I am still struggling with the challenges of being a single mom. I feel like each day gets better, and although we have some regressions, overall, things continue to steadily improve. And I am very determined to get the hang of it, so I know I will. I apologize for not posting more and for missing birthdays and not staying in better contact with all of you. I aspire to do better and one of these days Ill get the hang of it. :)

I hope you're all doing well and wish each of you a happy spring from myself and the boys!

New year for a new life!

I have to say, I am very, very happy 2008 is over. :)

So, this new year started fabulously. I just turned 36, which is my favorite number. And to celebrate, I met with a good friend from college and ran the Disney World Marathon. It was the BEST! It was an incredible race, birthday, weekend and I can't think of a better way to start 2009! If any of you are thinking of running a marathon, I would highly recommend it! They even had CHOCOLATE on the course. So, of course, I will do it again one day. So, if anyone is interested, let me know! I definitely plan on running it again! I finished it in 5 hours and 13 minutes, 1 minutes slower than when I ran my first (and fastest) marathon when I was in the Army. Pretty incredible, since I barely trained. :) So now I am completely excited about running. I am signed up, with darling Julie, to run the Shamrock Half Marathon in VA Beach in March and then the Marine Corps Half Marathon in May with 20 or so of my See Mommy Run friends in VA. I so miss them and am so excited to see them! :)

So, I tried dating. I must have gone on a dozen first dates. This is what I learned. I hate dating. I've never done it before. I just would be friends with someone and things would develop. To me, that is normal. How do you even attempt to start a romantic relationship with someone you don't even know? I know people do it all the time, but to me it is beyond weird. And running for 5 hours during the marathon, I figured some additional things out. I don't want a boyfriend, relationship, fling, date, or anything else along those lines for a very long time. I mean, I can barely keep up with the laundary! Having one more thing to attend to does NOT sound like fun. And I am just plain old not ready. I think it will take me a very long time to be able to trust someone again. Luckily for me, I have tons of time. Every other weekend, when every other weekend is not even for certain, severely limits my social life and will give me a nice, long time to get to know people. And I think that is a very good thing. :)

But I have some recommendations for all of those men who are thinking of dating a single mama:

1.) Do not show up drunk (seriously!)

2.) If you are still living with your mama and have never, ever lived on your own....please rethink who you are dating and why. My thought....do I LOOK like I need another kid, especially in the form of an adult?!???

3.) Do not even mention "when I meet your kids" on a first, second, or even fortieth date. What went through my head was how to most quickly get out of the situation and RUN!

4.) If you are questioning her for not returning e-mails in a timely fashion and then indignantly ask "do you think you are seriously busier than me?" when she explains that she has serious time constraints, you will automatically be voted off the island. Then she will go laugh with her girlfriends for a very long time.

I could go on, but those were my favorites. To be fair, I did meet some very nice people as well. And I wasn't interested and then I met someone I actually liked realized I was not even close to ready. So...moving on! :)

Nicholas is now 3 years and almost 8 months old. And still not potty trained. So now when people ask if he is still wearing diapers and look concerned, I am thinking maybe I should do something about that. Nick had been doing much better in general but had a major regression over the holidays and went full force in a tantruming, very upset little boy. He seems to be coming out of it. That, and I lock him in his room at night now, and when you read what I learned this month, you will probably understand why. It seems to make him feel more secure and he is sleeping better though, so that's good. And today he was sweet and pleasant before I had to go to work, which I really enjoyed. I am hoping my parents are experiencing the same thing. And this is my last Sunday of work, by the way...woohoo!!! :)

Michael just started walking this week! He is totally adorable. He is still very pleasant and sweet...and hungry. Very, very hungry. I think he may eat more than I do, which is impressive, because I eat quite a lot! He and Nick have been sick over the past week though, so he has slowed down. Michael loves playing ball, dances whenever he hears music, and has words and favorites. He says "what is that?" constantly. Many times while pointing to Nick. ;)

So, here is what I have learned over the past month:

-A gallon of milk can somehow spray up about 5 feet on a wall when someone attempts to pour it into a cup.

-A gallon of milk takes about 4 towels to clean up

-So does a gallon of juice

-3 year olds think they can make a sandwich out of their brothers. They spread peanut butter and jelly on them and make a bread hat for the top. I don't know if they will really try to eat their peanut butter and baby brother jelly sandwich because I was too busy screaming and trying to corral 2 very sticky kids into a bath tub at the time.

-If there is a cookie, candy, sprinkles, or anything else with sugar in the house, a 3 year old can find it. Even if you didn't know it existed. And he will risk his life to do so by stacking chairs, boxes, or anything else he things will work. But if he eats an entire bag of candy, he will kindly save his mama one to try to placate her.

-Toasters are facinating to 3 year olds. They want to see what they can do. We have learned toys get stuck and paper makes smoke. At 4 AM. And the smoke will wake mama up and she will make the command decision that locking her child in his room is much less hazardous than what he can do when wandering freely at night or while she is in the shower.

-If you ask a guy in the hardware store for a recommendation on how to lock your child in the room, he will look alarmed. When you explain the situation, he will ask, "is his name Dameon?" And then he will help you. :)

-If you get to the start line of a marathon and found you forgot your racing chip (which is how they measure your time and shows that you were actually there) you can make it from the startring area to the taxi area to the hotel, back to the taxi area, to the starting area, to the start line (which was like a MILE away!) in about 50 minutes. And you will realize that your friend who went all the way there and back with you and who risked missing the start of the race and sprinted over 3 miles before a 26 mile race just to run the race with you is a very, very good friend. :)

-26.2 miles is a very long way.

-Applesauce, when flung by a 3 year old, can fly about 7 feet. And when the 1 year old, who thinks it is hilarious, flings his applesauce as well, it can go about 4 feet.

-Those who say not to use TV as a babysitter have never been a single mom. It is amazing what can be accomplished in 30 minutes and everyone is happy. It's like magic!

I think that's about all for now. I am writing from work as it is an especially slow (which is so nice!) day. I will post pictures soon. Soon in single mama time could be months, but I will make every effort to get them up in real time soon. :)

Happy January and happy 2009, everyone! :)