Merry Christmas!!! :)

Pictures from Christmas Eve, plus a bonus picture of the boys with Santa:



We tried to take a picture of ourselves...but had some trouble. :)



This was Nicholas and Michael's response when I asked them to SMILE!



This is Nick and Michael before we made candy cane ice cream. There was too much action going on during the process to catch a picture without risk of disaster.



The boys with Santa! :)

We wish each of you a very merry Christmas, a fantastic new year and send much love! :)

Michael's daycare mischief

Each day Michael gets a report. They send reports home for the younger kids who can't tell you how their day is at their daycare school. Nick and his teacher both tell me how his day was each day. And aside from singing during nap or occasional rough days when he gets sassy with his teacher, Nick does very well in school. Nick loves school. He wrote his first word without tracing last night, 'LION', and we were both very excited! :) Michael has a different experience with school.

Every afternoon I start wondering what Michael may have done that day and just how aggravated his teachers are going to be with him. He is a very sweet little boy, but loves to do things for reactions. So when he took off his shoes and socks at school and had a big reaction to it, he thought that was just hilarious. So now, for the past month, every day except for one, I hear that Michael has taken his shoes off every day, typically multiple times a day. He pulled the toy kitchen down on himself twice because he thinks he is spiderman and will not stop climbing things. He actually does that at home and we have designated climbing areas because for some reason he really seems to have the need to climb up things. Still, every once in awhile I will find him on the top of a shelf, table, and once in the kitchen sink. A couple of times he hit his teacher when she took his bear. Definitely not good. He only hits one boy, who he calls '--- is a bad boy' whenever he refers to him. His teachers seem to agree with that one. He annoys everyone, not just Michael. Last week Michael sprinted out of the classroom when he saw the opportunity, straight up to the directors office. His teacher went after him as soon as she saw him escape, but we both agree, he is FAST, so she wasn't able to catch him until he made it up the steps and into the office.

Then came yesterday's report. 'Michael bit a friend...for no reason at all." His teacher went on to say that there was a girl in his classroom and Michael randomly went over and bit her in the butt. Now, I am not completely convinced about this one. Michael's kisses look scarily like bites, as anyone who knows him well and has been kissed by him knows. He open his mouth wide, presses it against your cheek (not typically THOSE cheeks, but he has done that before too) and then does something that sounds like a growl that I believe is supposed to be loving. His kisses are a bit terrifying. I can see where it could be misperceived, but since I have never seen Michael do anything unprovoked except to Nick, and even then, that is more like an ongoing battle of who can annoy the other one the most, I am guessing he just kissed his little girlfriend in his own very weird way...on the butt.

The thing I like most about the reports are the written or verbal statements...."he thinks he's just hilarious." Because he really does. Michael wakes up every morning happy just to be alive. He is effusively joyful and amused by himself, others, and random little things that I wouldn't have noticed without his peals of laughter in response to whatever small thing he felt was so funny. He is charmed by anyone who tries to be a little bit nice to him and has plenty of hugs and kisses and cuddles for his favorite people. And although he is constant bundle of energy, mischievious and quick tempered at times, he is good hearted, sweet, loving, and a very happy little boy. So rock on, baby Michael. Please, just no more baby butt biting.

Am I Santa Claus?

Nick was sitting at his table coloring last night with Michael. We were discussing whether the letter X Michael had announced that he had written was, in fact, an X. I thought it was, but Nicholas informed me that there was no way that a circle could be misconstrued as a letter X and then looked concerned and offered that maybe I needed glasses. We were listening to Christmas music when 'Up On the Housetop" started playing. Half way through the song, Nick suddenly stopped coloring and looked alarmed and asked "Mommy, am I Santa Claus?" I reassured him he was not. "But", he contemplated, "I'm Nick!" We talked about how many people in the world shared the same name and he felt much better after that. His biggest concern seemed to be how he would fit in a chimney. We then had a whole conversation about how kids do not go in chimneys, ever, even if they do have a really big ladder and discussed if it would be possible to rappel down a chimney which, of course, led back to the neverending discussion about silos and that it would be possible to rappel down a silo, but only if you had a really big ladder or a fire truck to get up there in the first place.

While we were having this 7 minute conversation, I retrieved Michael from hurling raisins in the toilet while shouting "basketball! score!!!!!." Then I scooped him up from down the basement, which is now covered with lovely pink scribbles. He also kindly decorated the kitchen floor and the wall on the way down to the basement where the computer is. I had thought I had removed all of the markers to high above Michael's reach after he decorated our kitchen cabinets over the weekend, but apparently I missed one.

Right now they are both sleeping and I am enjoying the peace. I was running around trying to catch things up around the house when I found Michaels shoe in the refrigerator, smashed into the butter on a butter dish. I have a lot of questions about that one, which will unfortunately never be answered, but I have laughed a lot over the past 12 hours (in between the shaking my head and yelling) and thought I would share some of our life. These things are so much funnier when they are sleeping. :)

Over the weekend we went to The Home Depot and participated in an awesome program where they provide kits for kids to built. I was very glad I went with the single parent group because 2 small children with hammers are intimidating. One of the single dads was very helpful and helped to make sure that I followed the instructions enough so that our wagons actually resembled, well, wagons. The boys were thrilled!

On Saturday night we went out with the same group to Longwood Gardens and saw beautifully lit tress, flowers, and the fountain light show. It was gorgeous. AND it was snowing! It was a fun, beautiful, memorable evening. The boys had a great time and so did I! :) Here is a picture of us at Longwood.

Discouraged...but okay

Happy early December!

The past couple of months have been pretty crazy and even busier than normal. I am finsishing the two classes I was taking and the boys' visits with their dad have decreased (not by my choice) to once a month. I am a bit tired. So, I was really looking forward to having two weekends in a row off. We are allegedly on an every other weekend schedule which means that my entire social life revolves around every other weekend. So most of my friends here are other single parents on the same weekend schedule. Knowing that I had the next weekend off, I made tons of plans. It was my first free weekend after school ended and I was going to have the rare treat of having the following weekend off as well as the baby daddy's attempt to compensate for all of those other cancelled visits.

Then, yesterday afternoon at work, I received the call cancelling the visit. I wish I could say that I handled it cooly and gracefully. But I was so upset, disappointed, and just sad. I fought back explaining that the little social life and friendships I have been able to make rely on my occassionally showing up when I say I will. I am missing my single parents group annual holiday party, a night out with some fantastic co-worker girlfriends who picked a night that I would actually be able to attend, and coffee with a girlfriend. I was supposed to go see Handel's Messiah and have a fun day in downtown Philadelphia. And I wondered aloud just how many time I could cancel on my very patient friends and still have them stick around. I also shared that this was the weekend I had planned to do most of my Christmas shopping, to write out Christmas cards, and that on top of all of that, I had the normal errands and housework to catch up on. Now, I am not sure why I explained all of that, because I already know it doesn't matter. I mean, really, if someone is going to ditch his entire marriage and kids to live happily ever after with another woman, what is a weekend?

At this point, I really can't say I care that baby daddy ran off with someone else. That kind of thing happens and although I definitely do not agree with the decision, I certainly do not want to live with someone who has decided that he is unhappy with me. I enjoy making people feel happy, not miserable. And anyway, I am quite content with just myself and the boys, so that part is fine. I also believe that the past is the past and that sometimes you just have to let go and move on. But the part that still is stunning to me is the cancelled visits, the whining about child support payments, and the total lack of consideration for the kids. THEY did not choose any of this. They were a decision, a choice. They did not happen by accident. Even if they had, I can't imagine a better one, but that was not the case. We are incredibly blessed to have these boys and by the choice to bring them into this world comes the responsibility to care for and support them.

Now, I have to say I am biased. I am totally in love with my boys. I think they are the bees knees and it would be hard for me to understand how anyone would not think they were not about the best ever! They drive me totally crazy sometimes, but when it comes down to it, they are good, sweet, innocent, kids who are just stuck in the middle of a very difficult situation. They are not really impacted by cancelled visits at this point. It has happened so frequently that I rarely tell them the visits are going to occur until a couple of days before and since their concept of time is not fantastic, it is easy to downplay those times. And when they are cancelled and they are aware of it, I act like it's no big deal and then say, "oh good...now we have extra time to go to the playground, etc." which is true anyway. I never say anything negatively about their dad in front of them, in fact, I point out his very many positive traits. Because I know it will make them feel good about themselves because their dad is part of the good parts of them. Plus, it will make them feel that they have to choose between us and all sorts of other craziness that I would prefer not to instill upon them.

Even though they do not seem particularly upset about the visits, they are still adjusting to their dad melting slowly out of their lives. And it's hard, because kids are out with their dads everywhere, and every time I watch the boys watching them, with that sad, wistful look in their eyes, my heart breaks for them. Every kid deserves to have both parents in their lives and to be an active part in raising them. And I am very sad and disappointed that they have anything less than they deserve and that they are still not old enough to realize, in entirity, that it is not their fault and it has nothing to do with the wonderful little people that they are.

At first I didn't talk about this subject on my blog much because I was so hurt and angry that I could not speak in a reasonable and fair manner about baby daddy. And I think I also kept thinking it would change. Like, maybe if I didn't say anything, things would get better. It's kind of like the kids and their magical thinking that they can control others' behaviors and life events by being "really good." But I have been realizing that, just like the kids, no matter how "good" I was that this would have happened. The choices that were made have to do with character, choices, and preferences. I am not saying I am a perfectly easy person, because I have many, many flaws. It's just that I realize that we all do and that some husbands and wives will remain steadily loyal to their vows. Staying married is a choice and even in the very best marriages, things are very hard sometimes. My imperfections did not cause this to happen, it was someone's choice. And it doesn't matter how nice and I try to be now, because I am realizing that we all choose our priorities and make choices around them. You can not force someone to change their priorities or insist that they do what you feel may be the right thing. I will still only say positive things to the kids about their dad. But I have decided that to just be open about reality because I realize that nothing I say is going to change it and it just requires a lot less energy to be open and honest.

Some dads fight to be in their kids lives and their ex-wives give them a hard time about it. I won't even pretend to understand this because I really feel both parents are important and irreplacable to a child. But to those dads out there, you have my appreciation and respect. And I have to say that I am very grateful not to be entrenched in a custody battle and that I am fortunate enough to have the kids with me all of the time. It is hard enough missing them at work and I am glad not to miss much more time than that away from them.

Even though it is very hard right now, I know that things will get easier. The kids will eventually be out of daycare and I will be able to afford a babysitter once in awhile. One day they will be able to feed themselves without it looking like an explosion occurred in the kitchen and one day both of them will be out of diapers. When all of this happened, almost a year and a half ago now, I thought it was an impossible situation. I could not see how I could possibly manage it or survive it. But the kids and I did survive, and we have adapted, and we are all stronger, maybe better, for it. Comparatively, this is nothing. And we will continue to adjust and improve. We will be okay no matter what because we have found family memebers and friends who have loved and supported us through all of this. And the boys and I are stronger too. We make a good little team. It was disillusioning to experience such a betrayal, but in the aftermath we have found a support system of family and friends who are unwaveringly loyal and loving. So to each of you, thank you. Because THAT is what life is about and that is the reality we will choose to focus on...it is a much nicer reality anyway. :)