Discouraged...but okay

Happy early December!

The past couple of months have been pretty crazy and even busier than normal. I am finsishing the two classes I was taking and the boys' visits with their dad have decreased (not by my choice) to once a month. I am a bit tired. So, I was really looking forward to having two weekends in a row off. We are allegedly on an every other weekend schedule which means that my entire social life revolves around every other weekend. So most of my friends here are other single parents on the same weekend schedule. Knowing that I had the next weekend off, I made tons of plans. It was my first free weekend after school ended and I was going to have the rare treat of having the following weekend off as well as the baby daddy's attempt to compensate for all of those other cancelled visits.

Then, yesterday afternoon at work, I received the call cancelling the visit. I wish I could say that I handled it cooly and gracefully. But I was so upset, disappointed, and just sad. I fought back explaining that the little social life and friendships I have been able to make rely on my occassionally showing up when I say I will. I am missing my single parents group annual holiday party, a night out with some fantastic co-worker girlfriends who picked a night that I would actually be able to attend, and coffee with a girlfriend. I was supposed to go see Handel's Messiah and have a fun day in downtown Philadelphia. And I wondered aloud just how many time I could cancel on my very patient friends and still have them stick around. I also shared that this was the weekend I had planned to do most of my Christmas shopping, to write out Christmas cards, and that on top of all of that, I had the normal errands and housework to catch up on. Now, I am not sure why I explained all of that, because I already know it doesn't matter. I mean, really, if someone is going to ditch his entire marriage and kids to live happily ever after with another woman, what is a weekend?

At this point, I really can't say I care that baby daddy ran off with someone else. That kind of thing happens and although I definitely do not agree with the decision, I certainly do not want to live with someone who has decided that he is unhappy with me. I enjoy making people feel happy, not miserable. And anyway, I am quite content with just myself and the boys, so that part is fine. I also believe that the past is the past and that sometimes you just have to let go and move on. But the part that still is stunning to me is the cancelled visits, the whining about child support payments, and the total lack of consideration for the kids. THEY did not choose any of this. They were a decision, a choice. They did not happen by accident. Even if they had, I can't imagine a better one, but that was not the case. We are incredibly blessed to have these boys and by the choice to bring them into this world comes the responsibility to care for and support them.

Now, I have to say I am biased. I am totally in love with my boys. I think they are the bees knees and it would be hard for me to understand how anyone would not think they were not about the best ever! They drive me totally crazy sometimes, but when it comes down to it, they are good, sweet, innocent, kids who are just stuck in the middle of a very difficult situation. They are not really impacted by cancelled visits at this point. It has happened so frequently that I rarely tell them the visits are going to occur until a couple of days before and since their concept of time is not fantastic, it is easy to downplay those times. And when they are cancelled and they are aware of it, I act like it's no big deal and then say, "oh good...now we have extra time to go to the playground, etc." which is true anyway. I never say anything negatively about their dad in front of them, in fact, I point out his very many positive traits. Because I know it will make them feel good about themselves because their dad is part of the good parts of them. Plus, it will make them feel that they have to choose between us and all sorts of other craziness that I would prefer not to instill upon them.

Even though they do not seem particularly upset about the visits, they are still adjusting to their dad melting slowly out of their lives. And it's hard, because kids are out with their dads everywhere, and every time I watch the boys watching them, with that sad, wistful look in their eyes, my heart breaks for them. Every kid deserves to have both parents in their lives and to be an active part in raising them. And I am very sad and disappointed that they have anything less than they deserve and that they are still not old enough to realize, in entirity, that it is not their fault and it has nothing to do with the wonderful little people that they are.

At first I didn't talk about this subject on my blog much because I was so hurt and angry that I could not speak in a reasonable and fair manner about baby daddy. And I think I also kept thinking it would change. Like, maybe if I didn't say anything, things would get better. It's kind of like the kids and their magical thinking that they can control others' behaviors and life events by being "really good." But I have been realizing that, just like the kids, no matter how "good" I was that this would have happened. The choices that were made have to do with character, choices, and preferences. I am not saying I am a perfectly easy person, because I have many, many flaws. It's just that I realize that we all do and that some husbands and wives will remain steadily loyal to their vows. Staying married is a choice and even in the very best marriages, things are very hard sometimes. My imperfections did not cause this to happen, it was someone's choice. And it doesn't matter how nice and I try to be now, because I am realizing that we all choose our priorities and make choices around them. You can not force someone to change their priorities or insist that they do what you feel may be the right thing. I will still only say positive things to the kids about their dad. But I have decided that to just be open about reality because I realize that nothing I say is going to change it and it just requires a lot less energy to be open and honest.

Some dads fight to be in their kids lives and their ex-wives give them a hard time about it. I won't even pretend to understand this because I really feel both parents are important and irreplacable to a child. But to those dads out there, you have my appreciation and respect. And I have to say that I am very grateful not to be entrenched in a custody battle and that I am fortunate enough to have the kids with me all of the time. It is hard enough missing them at work and I am glad not to miss much more time than that away from them.

Even though it is very hard right now, I know that things will get easier. The kids will eventually be out of daycare and I will be able to afford a babysitter once in awhile. One day they will be able to feed themselves without it looking like an explosion occurred in the kitchen and one day both of them will be out of diapers. When all of this happened, almost a year and a half ago now, I thought it was an impossible situation. I could not see how I could possibly manage it or survive it. But the kids and I did survive, and we have adapted, and we are all stronger, maybe better, for it. Comparatively, this is nothing. And we will continue to adjust and improve. We will be okay no matter what because we have found family memebers and friends who have loved and supported us through all of this. And the boys and I are stronger too. We make a good little team. It was disillusioning to experience such a betrayal, but in the aftermath we have found a support system of family and friends who are unwaveringly loyal and loving. So to each of you, thank you. Because THAT is what life is about and that is the reality we will choose to focus on...it is a much nicer reality anyway. :)