Am I Santa Claus?

Nick was sitting at his table coloring last night with Michael. We were discussing whether the letter X Michael had announced that he had written was, in fact, an X. I thought it was, but Nicholas informed me that there was no way that a circle could be misconstrued as a letter X and then looked concerned and offered that maybe I needed glasses. We were listening to Christmas music when 'Up On the Housetop" started playing. Half way through the song, Nick suddenly stopped coloring and looked alarmed and asked "Mommy, am I Santa Claus?" I reassured him he was not. "But", he contemplated, "I'm Nick!" We talked about how many people in the world shared the same name and he felt much better after that. His biggest concern seemed to be how he would fit in a chimney. We then had a whole conversation about how kids do not go in chimneys, ever, even if they do have a really big ladder and discussed if it would be possible to rappel down a chimney which, of course, led back to the neverending discussion about silos and that it would be possible to rappel down a silo, but only if you had a really big ladder or a fire truck to get up there in the first place.

While we were having this 7 minute conversation, I retrieved Michael from hurling raisins in the toilet while shouting "basketball! score!!!!!." Then I scooped him up from down the basement, which is now covered with lovely pink scribbles. He also kindly decorated the kitchen floor and the wall on the way down to the basement where the computer is. I had thought I had removed all of the markers to high above Michael's reach after he decorated our kitchen cabinets over the weekend, but apparently I missed one.

Right now they are both sleeping and I am enjoying the peace. I was running around trying to catch things up around the house when I found Michaels shoe in the refrigerator, smashed into the butter on a butter dish. I have a lot of questions about that one, which will unfortunately never be answered, but I have laughed a lot over the past 12 hours (in between the shaking my head and yelling) and thought I would share some of our life. These things are so much funnier when they are sleeping. :)

Over the weekend we went to The Home Depot and participated in an awesome program where they provide kits for kids to built. I was very glad I went with the single parent group because 2 small children with hammers are intimidating. One of the single dads was very helpful and helped to make sure that I followed the instructions enough so that our wagons actually resembled, well, wagons. The boys were thrilled!

On Saturday night we went out with the same group to Longwood Gardens and saw beautifully lit tress, flowers, and the fountain light show. It was gorgeous. AND it was snowing! It was a fun, beautiful, memorable evening. The boys had a great time and so did I! :) Here is a picture of us at Longwood.

Discouraged...but okay

Happy early December!

The past couple of months have been pretty crazy and even busier than normal. I am finsishing the two classes I was taking and the boys' visits with their dad have decreased (not by my choice) to once a month. I am a bit tired. So, I was really looking forward to having two weekends in a row off. We are allegedly on an every other weekend schedule which means that my entire social life revolves around every other weekend. So most of my friends here are other single parents on the same weekend schedule. Knowing that I had the next weekend off, I made tons of plans. It was my first free weekend after school ended and I was going to have the rare treat of having the following weekend off as well as the baby daddy's attempt to compensate for all of those other cancelled visits.

Then, yesterday afternoon at work, I received the call cancelling the visit. I wish I could say that I handled it cooly and gracefully. But I was so upset, disappointed, and just sad. I fought back explaining that the little social life and friendships I have been able to make rely on my occassionally showing up when I say I will. I am missing my single parents group annual holiday party, a night out with some fantastic co-worker girlfriends who picked a night that I would actually be able to attend, and coffee with a girlfriend. I was supposed to go see Handel's Messiah and have a fun day in downtown Philadelphia. And I wondered aloud just how many time I could cancel on my very patient friends and still have them stick around. I also shared that this was the weekend I had planned to do most of my Christmas shopping, to write out Christmas cards, and that on top of all of that, I had the normal errands and housework to catch up on. Now, I am not sure why I explained all of that, because I already know it doesn't matter. I mean, really, if someone is going to ditch his entire marriage and kids to live happily ever after with another woman, what is a weekend?

At this point, I really can't say I care that baby daddy ran off with someone else. That kind of thing happens and although I definitely do not agree with the decision, I certainly do not want to live with someone who has decided that he is unhappy with me. I enjoy making people feel happy, not miserable. And anyway, I am quite content with just myself and the boys, so that part is fine. I also believe that the past is the past and that sometimes you just have to let go and move on. But the part that still is stunning to me is the cancelled visits, the whining about child support payments, and the total lack of consideration for the kids. THEY did not choose any of this. They were a decision, a choice. They did not happen by accident. Even if they had, I can't imagine a better one, but that was not the case. We are incredibly blessed to have these boys and by the choice to bring them into this world comes the responsibility to care for and support them.

Now, I have to say I am biased. I am totally in love with my boys. I think they are the bees knees and it would be hard for me to understand how anyone would not think they were not about the best ever! They drive me totally crazy sometimes, but when it comes down to it, they are good, sweet, innocent, kids who are just stuck in the middle of a very difficult situation. They are not really impacted by cancelled visits at this point. It has happened so frequently that I rarely tell them the visits are going to occur until a couple of days before and since their concept of time is not fantastic, it is easy to downplay those times. And when they are cancelled and they are aware of it, I act like it's no big deal and then say, "oh good...now we have extra time to go to the playground, etc." which is true anyway. I never say anything negatively about their dad in front of them, in fact, I point out his very many positive traits. Because I know it will make them feel good about themselves because their dad is part of the good parts of them. Plus, it will make them feel that they have to choose between us and all sorts of other craziness that I would prefer not to instill upon them.

Even though they do not seem particularly upset about the visits, they are still adjusting to their dad melting slowly out of their lives. And it's hard, because kids are out with their dads everywhere, and every time I watch the boys watching them, with that sad, wistful look in their eyes, my heart breaks for them. Every kid deserves to have both parents in their lives and to be an active part in raising them. And I am very sad and disappointed that they have anything less than they deserve and that they are still not old enough to realize, in entirity, that it is not their fault and it has nothing to do with the wonderful little people that they are.

At first I didn't talk about this subject on my blog much because I was so hurt and angry that I could not speak in a reasonable and fair manner about baby daddy. And I think I also kept thinking it would change. Like, maybe if I didn't say anything, things would get better. It's kind of like the kids and their magical thinking that they can control others' behaviors and life events by being "really good." But I have been realizing that, just like the kids, no matter how "good" I was that this would have happened. The choices that were made have to do with character, choices, and preferences. I am not saying I am a perfectly easy person, because I have many, many flaws. It's just that I realize that we all do and that some husbands and wives will remain steadily loyal to their vows. Staying married is a choice and even in the very best marriages, things are very hard sometimes. My imperfections did not cause this to happen, it was someone's choice. And it doesn't matter how nice and I try to be now, because I am realizing that we all choose our priorities and make choices around them. You can not force someone to change their priorities or insist that they do what you feel may be the right thing. I will still only say positive things to the kids about their dad. But I have decided that to just be open about reality because I realize that nothing I say is going to change it and it just requires a lot less energy to be open and honest.

Some dads fight to be in their kids lives and their ex-wives give them a hard time about it. I won't even pretend to understand this because I really feel both parents are important and irreplacable to a child. But to those dads out there, you have my appreciation and respect. And I have to say that I am very grateful not to be entrenched in a custody battle and that I am fortunate enough to have the kids with me all of the time. It is hard enough missing them at work and I am glad not to miss much more time than that away from them.

Even though it is very hard right now, I know that things will get easier. The kids will eventually be out of daycare and I will be able to afford a babysitter once in awhile. One day they will be able to feed themselves without it looking like an explosion occurred in the kitchen and one day both of them will be out of diapers. When all of this happened, almost a year and a half ago now, I thought it was an impossible situation. I could not see how I could possibly manage it or survive it. But the kids and I did survive, and we have adapted, and we are all stronger, maybe better, for it. Comparatively, this is nothing. And we will continue to adjust and improve. We will be okay no matter what because we have found family memebers and friends who have loved and supported us through all of this. And the boys and I are stronger too. We make a good little team. It was disillusioning to experience such a betrayal, but in the aftermath we have found a support system of family and friends who are unwaveringly loyal and loving. So to each of you, thank you. Because THAT is what life is about and that is the reality we will choose to focus on...it is a much nicer reality anyway. :)

Not a good start to the week...

It is 1:30 AM. I just finished my homework assignments due tonight, with 14 minutes to spare. Michael arrived home with a high fever that went up to 104.7. He is going to Jeanne's tomorrow (thanks Jeanne! :) ) and then probably back to the doctor unless he makes a miraculous recovery by tomorrow. I am exhausted and have 4 hours to sleep if I am lucky enough not to have it interrupted. I thought I would share part of my homework assignment with you. We were asked to give examples of defense mechanisms:

Right now, I am denying that it is truly 12 AM and that I have to get up for work in 4 and a half hours. I am also repressing the thought that my sick 2 year old will most likely be waking up every 30 minutes for the remainder of the evening and result in even less sleep. And I am most definitely repressing any thoughts of what my work day will be like tomorrow. And tomorrow, I will use reaction formation when I go into work, smiling and cheerful when really I will feel like putting my head down on my desk and whining because I know I will be awake for at least the next 14 hours and will probably have to take a trip to the pediatrician after work...well, maybe not whining, but at least taking a nice, long nap.

Let's hope that the professor has a good sense of humor. :)

So very, very tired

I am not sure how it is only Tuesday. Nicholas and Michael returned home from their visit from their Dad's this weekend. They were very glad to see him and it sounds like they had a great visit...aside from Nick's injury.

When Nick arrived home on Sunday night, he could still barely move his arm and it hurt him to touch it. I read the medical reports that stated it was either a sprain or Nursemaid's Elbow. I had no idea what that was, but I found out it was a partially dislocated elbow and Nick had every single symptom of it. I am not sure what the confusion about it was. I have no medical expertise and it seemed pretty obvious to me and it made me pretty angry that the hospital had missed it. And then I felt panicked when I read that if it wasn't corrected soon after it could cause permanent damage to a kid's range of motion in his arm. There were instructions on how to fix it, but they were confusing. Luckily, I cam across Megan's blog here: http://www.holdituptothelight.com/ (which is totally adorable) which included pictures with instructions on how to fix it. So I just followed her instructions and his elbow popped right into place and now he is good as new. I am very relieved as I was not wanting to go to the ER for the third time in a week. Nick was totally thrilled that his arm worked again. We ate chocolate to celebrate. :)

I toasted waffles this morning and apparently they were evil conspirational waffles. Because when they popped out, they knocked out the electricity from the toaster, microwave, and the refrigerator. All I could think of was all of those home cooked frozen lunches I had prepared for the boys melting and becoming unusable. So I went down to the circuit breaker and told it it needed to work with me because I was not in the mood to cook 18 additional baby meals. I flipped every switch back and forth, said a little prayer, and our appliances are up and running again. It's a good thing. I may have murdered the waffles.

Nick and Michael had a great day at school today. Michael has started napping and receives huge smiley faces from his teachers as they are grateful that peace is returning to their classroom instead of Michael causing a baby revolt every day at nap time. Nick does great at school, but he has desginated nap for a time to kick things, sing, and roll like a log across the room, which is not amusing his teacher at school at all. We are working on it. He is at least doing fine with all the "awake time" activities.

I started 2 online graduate classes yesterday to begin earning the 12 stupid counseling credits I need to take to earn my counseling license. I already passed the test and completed the hours (both years ago) but my Master's program was 48 credits and licensure requires 60. I have to say it is a little intimidating. It has been 10 years since I was last in school. I am taking Personality Theory and Grief and Bereavement Counseling and am grateful that neither include any math. :)

It is 7:53 PM and I am leaving my house a wreck and am getting up early to deal with it. Right now, I am going to go to sleep. And I am going to dream about running, and my friends in VA, and being at a playground with the boys, and chocolate, and ice cream, and of some day when I will be able to sleep on a regular basis again.

ER trip - take 2

Well, at least my boys are efficient and are getting their lifetime's worth of ER visits over with within a weeks' period. Last night, Nicholas was at his Dad's house pretending to be a cat. Somehow, he twisted his wrist and when he woke up this morning it was tender and hurt him to move it. So the boys' Dad took Nick and Michael to he ER so Nick could get x-rays. The doctor thinks he may have sprained it. At least it's not broken. I am hoping on a very boring week that does not involve any sicknesses or injuries. 'Hope you all have a great week too!

How to get hot chicks....

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-haskins/target-women-how-to-get-h_b_308173.html

The start of school, the ER, and a cardboard box

Here are some pictures of what will likely be our last pool day of September, taken sometime earlier this month. I think we will all miss those days, but with the end of summer much other excitement has arrived in our lives.

Nicholas and Michael started daycare/school at the end of August. They are settling in and both are doing well. Nick is very enthusiastic about his new school and is learning his letters and numbers quickly. It's difficult to figure out what he actually knows since he hates being asked and will pretend he doesn't know things just so his teachers, or I, or anyone else will stop asking him. He is learning to write and loves it. He comes home every day and tells me he has to do his homework and practices. It's amazing to watch him learn! His teacher says he is very bright. But then I was curious then why I had to keep calling the poison control center. I would think that determining what substances would constitute food would be a basic measure of some sort of intelligence. I hope he is bright, but really I just want him to be happy, healthy, and kind to others. Anything else is a bonus. I am just very glad that he is settling down and seems to really enjoy school. He has an awesome teacher and loves all of the structure, which is good. He will have many more years of it. :)

The only complaint I've received is Nick's singing. And luckily it is unrelated to my lack of talent at it. He was refusing to sing at first and his teacher kept urging him to join the class in song. And he finally found his voice. It's just that when he finds it at naptime after the entire class is asleep and bursts into a spontaneous song, it tends to wake up his sleepy classmates and that is not appreciated. Luckily, it has only happened a few times so far. It must have been pretty impressive though since teachers from the other floor commented on it.

Michael....well, he had a bit of a rough start. Michael decided he didn't much care for his teacher and wanted to go back to Ms. Jeanne's house. Michael has opinions on things, but is basically a pretty cooperative and sweet kid. But with school, he decided to make a strong stand. So after the first 2 weeks of him physically assaulting his teacher, thwapping other kids with his bear blanket, and hurling his lunch across the room, I suggested a classroom change. His teacher may have been perfectly wonderful, but it is out of character for Michael not to like someone, let alone beat on him or her. Things have improved since that. Michael is no longer hitting his teachers, and his new teachers are much more positive about his school performance. I get comments like. "Michael speaks very well! But we did have some problems where he wouldn't stop lying on the table today (or hitting a friend, or jumping off of a chair, or hanging from a coat rack....) He is still very sweet, but I have to say he is no longer the docile, easy going baby he was. He is still very happy though!

He was so happy that even when he had a fever at school, no one noticed, which is NOT the school's fault as he does not act sick when he is sick. Unfortunately, when they did notice, his fever was 104.5. And despite giving him tylenol and popsicles, when we arrived at the pediatrician's office it was 105.9. Despite another dose of medications, we could only get it down to 104.2 and the doctor was concerned he might have pneumonia. So my parents were kind enough to assist us. My mom watched Nick and my Dad and I took a very sick baby boo to the ER CHOP. They did not do the x-rays the doctor recommended and said it was a cold. That is SOME cold. We saw 3 different doctor's that night who had 3 different opinions, but what really matters is that once the antibiotics kicked in (which I was able to run out and get thanks to Emily), his fever went away and now he seems healthy and well again.

One of the scariest parts was also one of the funniest. After we arrived home from daycare and we were waiting to go to the pediatrician, Michael started hallucinating and was giggling and grabbing at invisible fireflies. Then he saw my mom (Nonna) on the TV and was totally shocked and happy about it. He was the happiest sick kid I have ever seen. He talked and giggled the entire time until we realized how high his fever was and had to put cold washclothes all over him. Poor kid. And Nick was so good that evening which must have been really hard as it was quite chaotic and scary. I was very grateful to live so near my family that evening and that they were so helpful...thank you!!! :)

The pictures below are from a week ago when I gave my kids a box. First they colored it with markers, and then it has been a car, rocket, plane, train, and my personal favorite, a luggage carrier. Nick filled the entire thing with toys and then "delivered" them by putting them back on the shelves (definitely not my genetics! :) ).

As for me, everything has been going well. I am enjoying work again since the demotion I applied for was granted. I am starting school tomorrow to get the 12 credits of counseling related courses I need to apply for my counseling license (since I finished all of the other requirements and that is the only thing holding me back.) And I discovered I qualify for the post 911 GI Bill so I am going to go back to school this summer after I finish the 12 counseling credits this spring, to start on my MA in Administration of Human Services. I feel like I am finally getting the hang of managing everything on my own (with the very appreciated support of family and friends) and we are really settling down here.

Thanks for reading and happy Fall! :)