The start of school, the ER, and a cardboard box

Here are some pictures of what will likely be our last pool day of September, taken sometime earlier this month. I think we will all miss those days, but with the end of summer much other excitement has arrived in our lives.

Nicholas and Michael started daycare/school at the end of August. They are settling in and both are doing well. Nick is very enthusiastic about his new school and is learning his letters and numbers quickly. It's difficult to figure out what he actually knows since he hates being asked and will pretend he doesn't know things just so his teachers, or I, or anyone else will stop asking him. He is learning to write and loves it. He comes home every day and tells me he has to do his homework and practices. It's amazing to watch him learn! His teacher says he is very bright. But then I was curious then why I had to keep calling the poison control center. I would think that determining what substances would constitute food would be a basic measure of some sort of intelligence. I hope he is bright, but really I just want him to be happy, healthy, and kind to others. Anything else is a bonus. I am just very glad that he is settling down and seems to really enjoy school. He has an awesome teacher and loves all of the structure, which is good. He will have many more years of it. :)

The only complaint I've received is Nick's singing. And luckily it is unrelated to my lack of talent at it. He was refusing to sing at first and his teacher kept urging him to join the class in song. And he finally found his voice. It's just that when he finds it at naptime after the entire class is asleep and bursts into a spontaneous song, it tends to wake up his sleepy classmates and that is not appreciated. Luckily, it has only happened a few times so far. It must have been pretty impressive though since teachers from the other floor commented on it.

Michael....well, he had a bit of a rough start. Michael decided he didn't much care for his teacher and wanted to go back to Ms. Jeanne's house. Michael has opinions on things, but is basically a pretty cooperative and sweet kid. But with school, he decided to make a strong stand. So after the first 2 weeks of him physically assaulting his teacher, thwapping other kids with his bear blanket, and hurling his lunch across the room, I suggested a classroom change. His teacher may have been perfectly wonderful, but it is out of character for Michael not to like someone, let alone beat on him or her. Things have improved since that. Michael is no longer hitting his teachers, and his new teachers are much more positive about his school performance. I get comments like. "Michael speaks very well! But we did have some problems where he wouldn't stop lying on the table today (or hitting a friend, or jumping off of a chair, or hanging from a coat rack....) He is still very sweet, but I have to say he is no longer the docile, easy going baby he was. He is still very happy though!

He was so happy that even when he had a fever at school, no one noticed, which is NOT the school's fault as he does not act sick when he is sick. Unfortunately, when they did notice, his fever was 104.5. And despite giving him tylenol and popsicles, when we arrived at the pediatrician's office it was 105.9. Despite another dose of medications, we could only get it down to 104.2 and the doctor was concerned he might have pneumonia. So my parents were kind enough to assist us. My mom watched Nick and my Dad and I took a very sick baby boo to the ER CHOP. They did not do the x-rays the doctor recommended and said it was a cold. That is SOME cold. We saw 3 different doctor's that night who had 3 different opinions, but what really matters is that once the antibiotics kicked in (which I was able to run out and get thanks to Emily), his fever went away and now he seems healthy and well again.

One of the scariest parts was also one of the funniest. After we arrived home from daycare and we were waiting to go to the pediatrician, Michael started hallucinating and was giggling and grabbing at invisible fireflies. Then he saw my mom (Nonna) on the TV and was totally shocked and happy about it. He was the happiest sick kid I have ever seen. He talked and giggled the entire time until we realized how high his fever was and had to put cold washclothes all over him. Poor kid. And Nick was so good that evening which must have been really hard as it was quite chaotic and scary. I was very grateful to live so near my family that evening and that they were so helpful...thank you!!! :)

The pictures below are from a week ago when I gave my kids a box. First they colored it with markers, and then it has been a car, rocket, plane, train, and my personal favorite, a luggage carrier. Nick filled the entire thing with toys and then "delivered" them by putting them back on the shelves (definitely not my genetics! :) ).

As for me, everything has been going well. I am enjoying work again since the demotion I applied for was granted. I am starting school tomorrow to get the 12 credits of counseling related courses I need to apply for my counseling license (since I finished all of the other requirements and that is the only thing holding me back.) And I discovered I qualify for the post 911 GI Bill so I am going to go back to school this summer after I finish the 12 counseling credits this spring, to start on my MA in Administration of Human Services. I feel like I am finally getting the hang of managing everything on my own (with the very appreciated support of family and friends) and we are really settling down here.

Thanks for reading and happy Fall! :)

A very eventful August

Well, this has certainly been an eventful month. Luckily, none of the events have involved calling Poison Control. The weird things the boys have eaten this month have all been things that Nick has ingested in the past that resulted in previous calls to poison control. So I know that either it is not toxic or they didn't eat enough of it to harm them. I feel like a pro! For this moment. ;)

Nick and Michael had their last day at Ms. Jeanne's house a couple of weeks ago. I am so greatful to Jeanne and her family for taking such wonderful care of the boys. I don't know what we ever would have done without her. She has been so sweet, supportive, and an absolute angel! Nick is ready for preschool though and I found a great school near where I work where the boys can both go. They started this week.

Nick LOVES school! He is reportedly well behaved, sweet, excited to learn, and is following directions well. I had to verify we were actually talking about my kid because I was almost positive she had him confused with someone else. But I actually was able to observe him without him seeing me and he really was doing great! It takes a lot of energy for him to behave that well for that long and when we walk out the door of the daycare, it's like he is suddenly posessed by some sort of demon. Bags go flying, the screaming begins, his legs apparently stop working...I am guessing it is just the transitional period, or so I told my self as I got hit in the head by a lunch box today. Then I wondered if I threw it back at his head if that would be a good parenting technique and what the chances would be of someone calling Child Protective Service to report me. I decided it would be best not to test these thoughts. In the morning he is so excited to go to school. And I love that I get to listen to him chatter excitedly all the way there. He asks hilarious questions and since he is strapped down in his car seat and has nothing better to do, he actually answers my questions and shares his thoughts and feelings about things with me. It has been wonderful!

My favorite conversation was when he was asking about why his daddy and I weren't married anymore. I gave a brief explanation and he asked if we could get married again. I told him once you were divorced, you couldn't get married to the same person again. It was the rules. Since he is big into rules, that made perfect sense to him. Then Nick asked if I could marry someone else. I told him I could but I was perfectly happy with just the three of us. Nick told me he wanted me to marry someone else. So I asked who he thought I should marry. His answer....

"Aunt Sari"

That led to an entirely separate discussion and explanation of "the rules." That was a bit much at 6:30 AM, but still quite entertaining. Now when I hear that thoughtful sounding, "Mommy?" I know I am heading for trouble. In the past month we have discussed where babies come from (where he insisted on the real answer...ugh!), why some children don't have toys to play with or food to eat, what makes thunder, and Nick asking what "them chicken jackin' my style"meant. The last one resuted in me quickly changing the radio station and me telling him, "my bad, dawg." :)

Michael...not such a fan of school. He screamed the first day. The second day, he screamed for 3 minutes but was fine the rest of the day except for "when someone made him do something he didn't want to do." Today he didn't cry. He went on a revolt. He whapped other kids with his bear blanket, threw things, and was generally disruptive. It's hard to tell how much is just his age and how much is him acting out...probably a combination of both. Unfortunately, it seems that both of my boys inherited my lovely stubborness so they can be 'challenging' at times. Michael continues to be sweet but definitely is not docile as he was as a baby and has strong opinions on...everything. Luckily he is still distracted by shiny objects and weird voices so his attention can easily be diverted until he forgets whatever random thing was worth fussing about the moment before.

We went to Aunt Pat's beach house for a vacation this month! It was so fabulous! It was great getting to spend time with Aunt Pat, Nonna, Pop, Sari, Emily, and Jack! We all really enjoyed that time and it was fantastic getting to see the kids at the beach. The extra hands and help made the vacation a true vacation. Dealing with wet, sandy kids with support made it just completely fun!

This is my last week dealing with customer complaints. I go back to working as a consultant on the phones again next week, which I am greatly anticipating. It has been a tiring and stressful 5 months and I am ready for peace at work. I am so excited to go back to my old team too...I missed them!

And...shocking news...I am dating someone and have gone out with him more than once! I actually had dated him 6 months ago, but had some issues with trust, for some reason, and had trouble tolerating the very idea of being in a relationship. So I made the reasonable choice and freaked out and ended things. We remained friends and I had time to get to know him better and decided I actually did like him and it may be worth taking a small risk to see what may happen. He is a single dad with a 4 year old daughter who I met through the single parents group we attend. Don't worry...no plans to go to Vegas or anything. ;) In all seriousness, dating as a single mom is no joke. The stakes are so much higher and I can not afford to make a mistake. A mistake that messes up my life is one thing. I can not stand the idea of the boys being hurt again. I have no idea what will happen and am in no hurry to find out, but for right now, I am very much enjoying getting to spend some time with a seemingly very nice guy who has an incredible amount of patience.

I think that is about it for August. Except....happy birthday a day early, Aunt Sari!!!! :)

Early morning questions

It is now 6:20 AM. So far, these are the questions Nick has asked this morning, while Michael and most of the rest of the USA are sleeping:

• Why when it rains do people sometimes say it's a shower?
• What does the black circle in your eye do?
• Where is my little fireman with the gray shirt?
• Where is my fire thing with the red dots? (So then I had to ask about 10 questions to find out what in the world he was trying to locate. He was looking for a small play computer/radar small radar dish that came with an airplane, but today, he told me, it was used to detect fires.)
• Can radar detect tornados? (Our favorite household topic lately. :) )
• Does radar have to be in the clouds to find the tornadoes?
• How far can radar see? (My answer..."far.")
• And finally, "Mommy, why don't you have a penis?"

So this fine, very humid, potentially fantastic day begins... :)

A week without the boys

Nicholas and Michael left on Sunday night to spend a week with their Dad. They traveled down to North Carolina, picking up their brother Troy on their way, to see their Me-Mom and Pe-Pop, Aunt Colleen, Uncle Kenny, cousin Nate, Aunt Sarah, and Uncle Jordan. So this is my third day of getting up to go to work and only having to get myself ready. The house is so quiet and with the boys gone, so is my life.

I have been living in PA for almost a year now and have been a single mom for 1 year and 3 and a half weeks. Everything was so chaotic when we moved here and it really didn't start settling down until after the holidays. But even when things are going smoothly, pretty much all of my time is dedicated to the boys or my job. I've made one good friend in the past year and many distant friends. It is hard to make and maintain friendships as a single mom, at least when the kids are so young. And that has become very noticable now that the boys are away and I actually DO have time. I am lucky to be so close to my family and am spending lots of time with my sisters and parents when we can actually have conversations, which is wonderful. I am going out with my best friend here tonight and with a group of great girlfriends from work tomorrow night. Then...I don't know.

I had planned to spend this week getting ready for my second year as a single mom. I took the next couple of days off from work so that I can actually clean and organize my house and plan out the next year. I want to change some things. I want to spend more time with the boys and less time cooking, cleaning, and running errands, which requires even more organization in an already structured life. I also realize I also need to dedicate more time to my personal life. My personal life right now consists of going out with my family, a friend, and rarely, friends from work. Oh yeah, and dating.

I don't go on a lot of dates anymore because I realize I would rather spend my time in other ways, and from what I have seen so far, I realize that finding a partner will probably take many years. Dating is more a form of entertainment that will leave me with good stories that I can call my friend Julie about and we can both laugh. :) Although to be fair, I have met some very nice men, just not the right one. What dating does provide though, is hope. And I need that sparkle of hope in my life. The possibility of an alternate future with a different kind of happy ending helps keep me optimistic. And I have found that I can be indefinitely patient about when it occurs, but I need that hope in my life.

I hope you are all doing well and if you happen to be one of the people with my boys right now, please give them a big hug and kiss from me. I miss them so!

Have a great day!

Happy 4th of July! :)

Happy 4th of July weekend!

We had a busy weekend. On Friday evening we went to Nonna and Pop's house to celebrate Pop's birthday with Sari, Zack, Emily, Zach, and had a wonderful dinner and stayed until dark to watch the fireworks at Upper Darby High School from Nonna and Pop's front yard. Nick was a little bit nervous at the noise but once we explained it was just explosive rockets, he was fine with it. :) Michael was so wiped out, at almost 3 hours past his bedtime, that he almost fell asleep. They both really enjoyed themselves though.

On 4th of July, we went to Emily and Jack's new place and Jack cooked us breakfast. It was such a treat and the boys enjoyed exploring their new home while the rest of us tried to keep damage to a minimum. Then we walked to the parade, which the boys loved! The were throwing candy and the boys were allowed to eat anything they wanted...to celebrate their own day of independence. They definitely enjoyed that. And mommy enjoyed the very long nap after they crashed down off of their sugar high. We went to Aunt Marie and Uncle Frank's house for a fabulous 4th of July dinner celebration. The boys and I really enjoyed seeing our aunts, uncles, and cousins that we don't usually have the opportunity to see and we stayed until the boys started treating everyone to meltdowns. They were just very, very, very tired.

Today we woke up early (of course!) and the boys were very excited to be able to play with my angel cousin Zachary's kitchen toys. The boys spent hours cooking and playing store. Then we went to a playground in Ardmore that has tons of room to run and equipment to hang from, as pictured at the top of this entry. We came home, ate lunch, and then it was nap time and I ran around like a crazy woman trying to get things ready for the week. When they woke up, we went to another playground, took baths, and then had dinner and a last playtime. It was a low key, fun, relaxing day.

Work has been a bit crazy the past few months. I had taken a promotion based on what the job had been the years for which I'd worked for the company. Unfortunately, they made some changes which made it less of a good idea for me to remain in the position, including letting my fabulous partner go. So I stepped down from the job and requested to be placed back on my old team and old position a week ago. As fabulous as an opportunity as it was, the revised position was not compatible with single mama lifestyle and, in addition, we disagreed on appropriate compensation. I will be transitioning back into my former position in about a month, after they hire and we train someone to replace me. I will be looking forward to working 40 hours a week with a lot less work related stress in my life.

Here are some helpful facts that I learned this week:

• Poison control calls back sometimes to make sure your kids are all in one piece, as I was shocked to find out when my phone started ringing at work and they asked if they had taken Nick to the ER. I could hear people going silent around me when I tried to explain that most of the nail polish had come out of his eye and eyelashes. Someone came over to my desk after that call and asked if everything was okay. I just said "Great! Why?" :)
• If a kid swallows a marble, they do, indeed, survive.
• If a kid swallows dirt, a bit of blue plastic, play doh, paint, various foods that had fallen on the ground in various places, and licks a tricycle tire all within a week, he will be okay. Michael is starting to remind me of someone else I know...
• My kids can imitate each others' voices exactly and think it's hilarious when I run to the wrong one.
• My kids have learned if they both get into something together, it makes a much bigger mess and at least one of them will be able to sprint away.
• If things get quiet, it's too late. The mess already happened.
• Attempting to give up coffee is an incredibly bad idea. I think I will wait for about 5 more years.
• Attempting to give up chocolate is.....HAHAHAHAHAHA...yeah, right.

Have a great week! :)

The kids at the 4th of July parade:

The kids watching fireworks on Nonna and Pop's front lawn...thanks for having us, Nonna and Pop!

Good evening, poison control! Call # 16

The kids were finally settled down for the night and I drug myself down the basement to check my 53652 e-mails that I will probably be able to respond to a year from now. 10 minutes later, the shrieking begins. Since Michael has recently learned how to vault out of his crib and rappel down the side, I assumed he may have had a crash landing. But no, that's not what happened at all.

Michael was somehow sleeping soundly and Nick was sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by make up and...nail polish. The nail polish had been living on a top shelf of the medicine cabinet. But my boys have mad climbing skills so nothing is safe. Nick decided that since his nails were already painted, that maybe nail polish would be good at making other body parts beautiful, like his lips, cheeks...and his left eye. So after flushing his eye with water for what seemed like an eternity, probably to both of us, he could at least open his eye again and it wasn't hurting so much. I used nail polish remover on the parts not touching his eye and rinsed him off with water, had a discussion about how toxic substances are BAD, yet again, and then I put him to bed. Then I called poison control. They should have frequent flyer miles for people like me. And we should earn spa days for having exceptionally challenging, precocious children. They probably do, but instead of the spa days, I will probably earn a visit from Child Protective Services for my abnormally high average of calls to their service.

So, this is what I learned. Eye polish is very bad for eyes, if it gets in the eye. They wanted to know if it had touched his eye. From the screaming I am guessing yes, but after holding upside-down like a bat over the tub and dousing his eye with water for many minutes, I don't know for sure. He didn't open his eye until 5 minutes of water dumping and I am actually surprised that so much water left his eyeball in there. Nick looks like he has pink eyeliner on, both above and below his eye. I wasn't about to add nail polish remover in his eye to lead to call #17 to poison control, so I left it there. He is looking fancy...or kind of diseased, depending on your perspective. By the time we finished cleaning him up, he said his eye didn't hurt anymore and he could see. So when they told me it was a judgement call to take him to the ER for an eye exam to make sure he was okay, I decided he was. My kids are loud when they are not okay. He was quiet and exhausted. Although, that could have been from inhaling the nail polish remover fumes for so long, so I am not sure.

Oh yeah, and I think Michael ate a marble tonight too. He could breathe so I figured he was okay. I was just glad it wasn't anything pointy or a neighborhood pet or something like that.

Happy Monday, everyone! :)

Almost 1 year anniversary of being a single mama

In less than 2 weeks, it will be a year from the the time I officially became a single mama. I think back to that horrible day and the weeks that followed and can't believe how long ago it seems. The thing is I remember most about that time is how many people helped me, especially my family and friends. I never cried so much in my life. I even totally fell apart for a short period of time. But I was lucky enough to have so many people help me up and keep me going when the situation became too overwhelming, which it did somtimes, especially in the beginning. After I accepted it that there was nothing I could do about it, I really struggled.

Aside from my marriage ending, the impact I thought the changes would have on the kids' lives devestated me. I couldn't bear to think of them being in daycare, or being apart from them for so many hours each day, and I didn't know how we would even survive financially. I felt so scared and alone. I knew I had so many people around me who loved and supported me, but the journey was my own. I had two very small children depending on me and realized that aside from some financial support, the responsibility for their lives and raising them was about to become mine alone. I was terrified.

The months that followed were a blur...a tearful, chaotic blur. It took awhile to get the hang of things and for all of us to adjust to our new lives. And our lives are so radically different from the way they were before, they are unrecognizable. I think some things I just don't like but have accept, like not being able to stay home to raise my kids or missing so many precious moments of their little lives. But I know how lucky I am in so many, many other ways..

I have met many single parents since I moved here, largely because of a meetup.com group I joined for single parents so we wouldn't feel like such freaks. :) And some I have met just by chance, but seeing others struggle with the same, and sometimes different issues have highlighted how fortunate we are. And these are the things I am grateful for:

• Not only do I have a job, but I have a job that I love and I'm passionate about doing which is slowly turning into a career. They are supportive of a family life and I moved into a new position where I can have flexible schedule, as needed. I would rather be home with my kids, but since it's not a choice, I feel lucky to have a fun and interesting job that keeps me so busy that the hours fly by until I can get to my baby boys again.
  
• I am grateful that our initial experience with daycare was so disasterous. Because (put this on my list of why I will not win mom of the year) in a moment of absolute desperation I put an advertisement on Craig's list and found Jeanne and her family who have given my boys a home away from home and a loving and secure place to spend their days. They still get to be with a stay at home mama who is kind enough to open her home to those of us mamas who don't have the choice to stay home with our little ones. AND she was a single mama at one time too...how cool is that?!?!?!!!


• We haven't had to visit the ER yet. I know it's coming, but that it hasn't happened despite the hundreds of close calls we've had in the past year. (Just this week, Michael jumped off of a kitchen table and, shortly later, into the bath tub full of water headfirst and it's only Tuesday.) AND I haven't had to call poison control since Nick drank the bottle of Tylenol that one morning at 4 AM.


• We always have food to eat, a roof over our heads, and a house that is a comfortable temperature.


• I am grateful for my family and friends who have stuck by me this past year despite my inability to reciprocate their many acts of kindness and support on any kind of reasonable level. Some of you are there on a regular basis. And some of you will send e-mails or letters that always seem to come when I need them most. I feel so very lucky and loved to have each of you in our lives. And one of these day, I will be able to be the kind of friend, daughter, sister or sister-friend I aspire to be.


• I am grateful to have a peaceful, non-dramatic relationship with the boys' dad. Don't get me wrong, I definitely had a lot of anger and hurt feelings in the beginning. But things are working out just fine. He pays child support and visits them. He is a good role model and loves them. We have a polite, working relationship and I am glad for the peace.


• We are all healthy, happy and, most of the time, all in one piece.